Sexplain It Live: I Can’t Stop Sending Nudes on Grindr

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner,” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form.

This is an edited and condensed transcription from last week’s “Sexplain It Live,” which was recorded on Men’s Health‘s Instagram. I was joined by therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, CST.

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How do I stop my girlfriend from being jealous all the time?

JB: This is an opportunity to connect with your partner and be curious about her jealousy. Her jealousy indicates that something is potentially missing regarding security or needing more reassurance from you. Listen to her. Does she get jealous when you hang out with your friends or leave and don’t come home? Maybe they’re telling themselves you’re gonna leave them, or you’re gonna break up with them.

ZZ: I thought it was interesting the way he conceptualized the question. “How do I stop my girlfriend from being jealous all the time?” The way that’s framed makes it seem like this is her problem—something she needs to deal with. Instead of approaching it from the lens of “Hey, this is our problem. Something in our relationship dynamic is not working, so you’re feeling jealous.” I will say, this is something that the two of you need to work on together.

JB: It’s a “we” thing.

ZZ: Exactly, and to what you said, it’s crucial to figure out her triggers and the root of her jealousy. In and of itself, jealousy is not a “bad” emotion. It’s how we respond to our jealousy [that can be bad]. It’s what jealousy makes us do and how it makes us feel that can be bad. But jealousy, just like any emotion, is simply giving us information.

JB: Yes!

ZZ: And if you see jealousy as a form of information given to you, you’re able to address whatever the root of the issue is because I think that’s something you have to do with jealousy. To what you said, figure out what triggers her jealousy. What happens before she gets jealous? Are there things that you are doing that you could stop doing? Or is it anytime you talk to a girl, she immediately gets jealous, and her behavior is more “unreasonable.” If that’s the case, be like, “Hey, let’s talk about your past relationships. Is the fear that I’m going to leave you? Is there fear that I’m going to cheat on you?” Maybe all of her last partners have cheated. There’s a decent chance she’s bringing her past trauma or experiences into this relationship. It’s important to make it clear that this is a new and different relationship. You do love her, and you wanna work on this with her.

JB: Absolutely, it’s a we thing!

ZZ: It’s a we thing!

I think I’m addicted to Grindr. I’m on it at least two hours a day, constantly sending nudes. I check it in the morning, at work, at the gym, and before bed. I’ve tried to delete the app before but always end up re-downloading it. How can I stop?

JB: Again, you want to step back, get curious about yourself, and figure out what the function of this behavior is. What is the emotion you’re having when you go on the app? Are you feeling anxious? Are you feeling alone? Are you feeling sad? Are you using it to cope with something difficult in your life, or are you actually aroused? This is a very important distinction. Am I going there because I’m truly aroused or because it’s an emotional need that I’m trying to meet? So be curious instead of going into a shameful, judging cycle of “Why am I doing this? I’m terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

ZZ: Yeah, are you trying to fill your asshole, or are you trying to fill the hole in your heart? I think that’s another way to reframe what you said. You know, I always like to say problems become problems when they start causing problems. Of course, many gay men are on Grindr all the time, so how is your relationship with Grindr negatively impacting your life? Are you not getting your work done? Are you not meeting men on dates? Is this the only way you get validation? Do you find yourself sad because you’re using it all the time? You need to understand your relationship with it.

JB: Mm-hm, yes.

ZZ: The fact that you haven’t been able to “quit” it, and you keep re-downloading it, is not a great sign. It seems like Grindr controls your life, at least to some degree. In terms of quitting anything, it’s always good to have an accountability buddy. If you’re a gay man, there are plenty of other gay men who need a break from Grindr, too. So doing that with someone else could be very helpful. And having someone you can check in with as you both are going through this together could be beneficial.

JB: Mm-hm.

ZZ: And still delete it! You might re-download it, but that’s two days that you weren’t on it. Who knows? Maybe next time, it will take you three days to re-download it. Then a week, month, and before you know it, you’re off Grindr. Still, you don’t have to be off it completely. You can just limit your time on it. You may allot a certain amount of time and set an alarm to indicate when the time is up. And, seriously, don’t beat yourself up if you re-downloaded it.

JB: Yeah, use it as an opportunity to step back and see what was happening before you went on the app. What were you feeling? What was happening to your body? What were you thinking?

ZZ: Yeah.

JB: It gives you some clues on what the triggers are. Am I bored? Am I hungry or horny? Am I angry? Am I lonely? Am I tired? Is that what was happening with me before I went on the app? What was I hoping the app would satisfy? Maybe instead of going on the app this time, I’m going to call my friend. I’m gonna go for a run. I’m gonna go take a shower.

ZZ: Exactly. I used to be a smoking cessation counselor years ago, and one thing I learned is that the urge will often go away if you can distract yourself for a little bit. You just need to wait two, five, or ten minutes. The urge doesn’t last the entire day. So distracting yourself with something else is a good first start here when trying to distance yourself from the app.

Watch the full conversation here:

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