54 Questions the Wicked Trailer Thrust Upon Us

The girls.
Photo: Universal Pictures

We’re Wicked freaks, and, if you’re reading this, you’re a Wicked freak, too. And today? Today is our Super Bowl. The trailer for the Jon M. Chu film starring Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande is out, and the long national nightmare of not knowing what they were going to do about the goat is over. Turns out they just made him a literal, CGI goat. Sure! While that question may have been answered, the trailer left us with so many more. Some will be answered when the movie comes out, others can only be answered by the witnesses on set, and some are more philosophical, to be pondered for the rest of time. Those three minutes and 32 seconds truly did provide. Before part one of the Wicked films drops on Thanksgiving, our most pressing questions:

Where is SpongeBob?

Why are they hiding SpongeBob from us?

Why are Fiyero’s jodhpurs black?

Why is Dr. Dillamond a quadruped instead of a furry?

How does Dr. Dillamond put his tiny glasses on with his hooves?

How does he write?

Does Dr. Dillamond have a typist paid for by Shiz University?

How do I apply to be Dr. Dillamond’s typist?

Why didn’t they let the goat bleat?

Will they release BTS footage of the on-set puppeteer doing Dillamond?

Why aren’t there a few more animals on campus (specifically the hedgehog bellboy from the stage show)?

Was Shiz being a canal-based campus already canon or is that new?

Did they make it on canals so they can do a Wicked: Part One water ride at Universal Studios?

Will I get to ride a flying monkey at the Wicked: Part One Universal Studios gate or is that abuse?

Will Ariana Grande’s voice ever go back to normal? (Hope not!)

Promotional stills showed Fiyero riding a horse. In the world of Wicked: Part One, that horse is a person. What is the relationship between Fiyero and that horse?

Who designed the custom eyewear everyone’s got on?

Why did they change Elfie’s glasses when those cunty little Miu Miu ones she wears in the show are on trend?

Why are these undergrad freshmen all 32 years old?

Is everyone 32 because Oz has mandatory conscription that all youths must do before college?

Why is Chistery (the monkey) so scary?

Why Chistery (the monkey) so sexy?

Why did they have to do a flashback and paint that little girl all green?

Does this mean we’ll also get a flashback of Glinda?

Can we get a Muppets Babies–style spinoff film?

Are people born wicked or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?

That girl who winks at Jonathan Bailey — what’s her story?

Will Elphaba give Troye Sivan all those gay suits back?

How did Jonathan Bailey make it through saying “She doesn’t give a twink” without laughing and giggling like a child?

Will Michelle Yeoh be singing?

Will they license “Little Bitty Pretty One” to do a Matilda parody scene when Elphaba discovers her powers?

Why is it so obvious that they used various-size hats depending on what scene they were shooting?

Will Galinda-core be the new Barbie-core? (No.)

Will this be released in 4DX, and will the chairs dance along to the action?

Are there club drugs in Oz?

Will they be present at the Ozdust Ballroom?

Does Fiyero have a ket hookup at Shiz?

How many windows are broken in total over the course of this three-minute trailer?

Why is the glass in the tower window broken before Elphaba flies out of it?

Especially considering she does fly through glass when she does go through it?

Do windows automatically fix themselves in Oz?

What are the major industries in Oz, and how did Galinda’s family make their money?

Why is Bowen’s little hair swirl and pussy bow making me laugh like that?

How many cross-body bags are there?

Why weren’t they brave enough to show those big guys from Wizomania?

Why is “palace” capitalized in the royal Oz-ness stationary?

Who is Elphaba’s nail tech?

Who does Elphaba’s protective styles?

Did they de-age Jonathan Bailey?

Does this mean the second movie really will open with “Thank Goodness?”

Why is a wheelchair being lifted into the sky the only glimpse of Nessarose?

How are they not going to tell us Elphaba has a whole sister?

Was there a transit expert on set? Between riverboats, high-speed rail, hot-air balloon, bubble, and, of course, broom, that’s a lot of modes of transportation!

Was that transit expert Pete Buttigieg and/or his husband, Chasten Buttigieg?