I have always had a strong paternal instinct. Then, in 2018, I thought: What better way to channel that, than to look after children? So, I signed up a remote nanny website. I didn’t need to do any training, but I did a Disclosure and Barring Service (DBS) check, which confirms I don’t have a criminal record and can be required in the U.K. to work with children. Then, a woman in Wimbledon, London, had reached out to me. She wanted me to look after her eight year old boy who had learning and behavior difficulties.
I asked her, “Why did you choose me compared to any other nanny?” What she said after stuck with me. This woman explained that when she had worked in schools, she had noticed that young Black men were generally highly respected by students. She also noticed that quite often, Black students were the ones to get the best out of their peers. I was completely shocked to hear her perspective, because it was one that I had never heard before. But when I met her son, it was almost as if everything she said came to pass because he immediately respected me and we got along very well. He was also very open with me.
When I started looking after her son, I would cycle to their house in London and would usually arrive in the evening, when he would come back from school. I would start off by making sure that he had completed his school assignments, we would walk his dog together and I would engage with him, asking him how his day was. I’d then prepare his food for dinner and read a book to him before nighttime.
After a few months, his mom noticed that he had a very different attitude and temperament compared to beforehand. For example, he had been told by his parents to be gentle when playing with his dog, as he was often overbearing. In one instance, he continued to be overbearing with his dog, despite me telling him to stop. So, I let him know that his actions had upset me, and I said, “When you’re prepared to have a conversation with me, we can move forward.”
An hour later, he apologised to me in a passive aggressive tone. I said, “That’s not how we are going to conduct ourselves. We are going to apologize properly, and then we are going to move forward.” The following time that I saw him, we were able to do the things he enjoyed, because he understood the importance of communicating in a calm manner. His mom also explained that he became more approachable and was more aware of the consequences of his actions. But most importantly, he was a lot more aware of who he was as a person.
During the year that I was a nanny, I also realized a lot about myself. I love kids. I noticed that my patience increased and when I looked at the boy that I was babysitting, he reminded me of a younger version of myself. That’s because when I was quite young, my father had unfortunately passed away.
Being around the boy that I was babysitting not only allowed me to be a nanny, but an older brother to him. Taking on that different role brought out the best in me. It allowed me to be a lot more nurturing and get more in touch with the masculine paternal side, which I think is something that men don’t often explore enough. I also found that my empathy increased because I realized that he was just a child who needed a little bit of guidance.
There were days when I would pick him up from school which was fun for us. But I also remember that often, people would ask “Who is that?” And look completely shocked when he’d say, “That’s my nanny.” As an eight year old boy, he, too, didn’t understand certain hostile reactions from people. Some would even ask if he was sure that I was his nanny.
People were always so surprised that as a Black man, I was looking after him. I felt that sometimes, they also acted quite afraid and a bit tentative, as I was almost the direct opposite of who one would generally want to look after their children; typically an older woman. I found that disappointing. It showed me that as a society, we have too many preconceptions. Having said that, I also did get a lot praise and credit for being a nanny.
In 2019, I decided to leave my role as a nanny as I was completing a masters degree, and needed to focus on my studies. Although I currently do not do nannying, I do a lot of mentoring for young Black children. I was diagnosed with OCD in 2022 and have been writing a lot of articles surrounding my diagnosis and mental health.
I really enjoyed being a nanny; it taught me just so much about who I am. My mom always reminded me that as a young Black boy, I have to generally work two to three times harder than my white counterpart. That’s why I wasn’t surprised by people’s shocked reactions when I decided to be a nanny, because I was aware that the role that I had taken on was attached to a set gender, and race.
One thing I have learned is to not be swayed by people’s opinions. I would say openly and honestly to those that are there who are considering doing something similar: If it’s something you love, do not allow people to deter you from doing it.
Shaun Flores is an OCD advocate, model, and influencer who focuses on mental health, well-being, and lifestyle. He is also a public speaker and a volunteer advocate for Orchard OCD, a UK-based charity that is researching faster and better treatment for those with OCD.
All views expressed in this article are the author’s own.
As told to Newsweek associate editor, Carine Harb.
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