My Friends Are Mad At Me Because I’m In A Bad Mental Place — Should I Apologise?

Hey there cyber chums and welcome back to another rendition of Help Me Hameda — the fortnightly column where I offer advice based on your DMs.

As much as I love a good, juicy DM about love and sex, I’m sometimes sent questions about friendships — which to me can be just as, if not more complicated than romantic relationships.

Maintaining friendships — especially as an adult — should be considered an olympic sport. They take hard work, empathy, compassion and most of all, unconditional love. This is why it’s so important to choose your people carefully, because the right people are worth all that extra effort.

Unfortunately, this dynamic just won’t work if you and your friends aren’t aligned in the ways that matter. If you find yourself trying a little too hard, or even always being the first to reach out, you may need to reevaluate some things.

This brings me to our DM for the day, which was sent by this gorgeous soul who’s been feeling a little cloudy lately — like a lot of us during this time, TBH.

Firstly, I’m sorry that you’re feeling so blue right now. I know that the general energy among us right now is making it harder and harder to push through the fog of depression — but it’s important that you take care of yourself and find ways to address your mental state before even beginning to deal with the situation between your friends and yourself.

I know it’s also difficult for others to understand our state of mind when we’re in a bad headspace — which might be why your friends were confused when their sweet gesture with the birthday cake wasn’t well-received. I personally transform into a hermit when I’m sad, which can make people think that I’m being neglectful, rejecting their offers of affection or straight-up being rude. None of this is the case, and honestly, them feeling this way often makes me feel worse. I feel that this may be the cycle you’re experiencing with your friends.

If you ever find yourself on the other side of this scenario, where your friend seems distant or simply isn’t in the mood, but won’t disclose why, it can be incredibly beneficial to communicate to them that you know they’re going through something and that they can speak to you if they wish — but also that you’re happy to leave them be until they’re ready to rejoin the conversation. Having this kind of empathy when dealing with someone who suffers from mental health issues can do wonders for your friendships. It’s all about prioritising love and being understanding.

So yes, I understand their frustrations, but does this mean you should apologise? I don’t think so. Not when you’ve communicated your feelings clearly to them and they’re still demanding actions and emotions from you that are impossible to give in your current headspace.

Look, I can see where your friends may have had good intentions with your birthday — but making you feel bad about your headspace and contributing to a situation that makes you feel unsafe and uncomfortable is not a sign of a good friendship.

It might feel scary to let go, but you deserve friends who are understanding and can help you heal rather than aggravate your wounds, then expect you to act normal in the aftermath. Losing friends is hard. Harder than losing romantic links, in my opinion. But when they’re making you feel this bad about feeling sad, it might be time to cut them off and find people who will lift you up and help facilitate your recovery rather than jeopardise it. 

Trust me — there are so many types of people and different personalities in the world and we’re all specks of dust in the grand scheme of things. I personally made and lost a plethora of friends before finally knowing the kind of people I actually want to connect with on that level. Now I ensure I’m surrounded by people who make me feel good and are forgiving when I drop off the face of the earth for a little while — because they know I’m working through my own shit. You just need to find your own little coven.

Well, that’s all the advice that I can offer our sweet DMer today — if you have anything to add, feel free to share your thoughts (and love) in the comments.

Remember to be kind and respectful when you do. 

If you’ve got a question about a problem, have a thought you can’t seem to resolve, or want another opinion on a scenario in your life, you can DM me about it on Instagram (@itshameda) or Twitter (@hamedanafiz) to be featured in the column.

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