RuPaul’s Drag RaceRecap: All Tease, All Shade

I know a thing or two about not being able to shut up (e.g. my Twitter, dozens of meandering recaps, my whole vibe). But like every high-functioning, New York–based narcissist, I’ve learned that there’s a time and a place for everything, and I can sense when it’s time to reign it in. Unfortunately for Jasmine Kennedie, she learns that lesson this week on television.

The queens’ breaking point is Jasmine’s meltdown at the top of the episode. As Jasmine sobs about the nude finishes of her garment and wonders if her gown is truly “giving wedding,” the girls can’t help but roll their eyes and (in Kornbread’s case) yawn. On a show where a typical trauma dump will include one or more dead parents as well as psychological abuse, “not pushing your comfort zone enough with your red look” should not be moving anyone to tears. The girls are very over it, and poor Alyssa Hunter has hardly any time to set up her potential comeback narrative before the opening credits! Something simply must be said. And so it will … The tough love starts off simply enough: Kornbread (avatar of the group’s exhaustion) breaks it not-so-gently to Jasmine that she needs to, well … shut the fuck up. Enough with the meandering sentences and interrupting! “It definitely needed to be said,” agrees Angeria. And so it seems like the tension might dissipate. But Kornbread’s chastising doesn’t stop there.

This week’s challenge is a cute one: write and star in a “Super Teaser” (an eye-grabbing taste of the comedy and drama the queens will bring to this season of Drag Race). But Jasmine isn’t picked when team captains Willow and Maddy cast their commercials. So Jasmine decides it’s her mission to make her haters like her again (very me) and beelines straight for Kornbread. Kornbread, however, takes this as a personal insult. She Kubrick stares at Jasmine every second of the brainstorming session, nitpicks when she writes too much, and snaps when she doesn’t write enough. It’s … uncomfortable, to say the least. The other queens cringe, and if I were Jasmine, I would probably be crying and throwing up in the corner.

Strangely enough, this all seems to work out just fine in the end for Jasmine. As much as this episode seems to be telegraphing Jasmine’s failure, she (or perhaps the editors) pull an Uno reverse card on our asses. At the end of this episode, Kornbread herself has a breakdown as she finds herself on the receiving end of some tough (Loni) Love. “I know you can do more than just the food jokes,” Loni explains. And she’s right. It’s only been a few weeks, but the judges (and the audience) can already sense the great comedic feats Kornbread is capable of. Hell, she showed us right out of the gate! She escapes the bottom two, but the judges let it be known: Kornbread will have to meet the high bar she set for herself early on to make it to the finale.

Speaking of high bars, Willow doesn’t have any trouble clearing hers. She shines as the very infirm, very horny version of herself who thinks she’s cast on the Bitchelor. “I was promised a chance at love and a daily meal voucher — WHERE’S JEFFREY?!” It’s my favorite part of both teasers, and in my mind, it deserves a second win in a row. Other standouts include Bosco, who gives us a “post-verbal baby slut” with “a body like peeled string cheese.” (The girls are writing jokes this season!) And Deja Skye, playing a queen who’s terrible at trauma dumping. Decidedly not in my top three this episode? Our winner and certified sweetheart, Angeria Paris VanMicheals. I found her performance charming but not as funny or clever as Willow’s, Bosco’s, or Deja’s. Sorry, Angie! Feel free to use that $5,000 prize to rent out a billboard shit-talking me.

And speaking of shit-talking, I’d love to discuss the queens that didn’t do so hot this week. In addition to Kornbread, we also have Kerri, who’s comedic beat seems to be “is pretty.” So true, queen! Not funny, unfortunately. Not even Kerri’s show-stopping runway can save her. For night of 1,000 J.Lo’s, Kerri wears the internet-breaking green Versace dress. No, not a green Versace dress. Not a replica of the green Versace dress … The green Versace dress. I want to be surprised that she has it, but honestly, I’d expect nothing less from Kerri. That Vogue repost better be on the way. Nonetheless, Keri finds herself lip-syncing and very carefully at that. J.Lo might not be in the building, but she’s made sure there’s a sniper dot trained on Kerri’s forehead at all times if so much as a seam rips. Joining her in the bottom two is Alyssa Hunter. Alyssa is nervous about this comedy challenge, as evidenced by her echoing the tired Drag Race refrain: “I want to show these girls that I’m more than just a pageant queen.” It’s a sentiment that’s rarely followed by an earth-shattering performance, and tonight is no exception. Her idea of comedy boils down to “ugly makeup,” and the judges aren’t impressed.

Alyssa and Kerri duke it out, giving a decidedly mediocre lip-sync to J.Lo’s “Play.” Kerri is terrified of damaging this historical garment, and Alyssa falls victim to the technical malfunctions of her money gun. Yeah, my dollar bills are staying firmly in my wallet. Ru tells Kerri that she’s safe, but lest you forget, Alyssa still has one more shot. She unwraps her RuPaul Chocolate Bar© (now available at DragCon and select online retailers) and discovers … it’s just chocolate. Eager to see this reveal take on a life of its own on Twitter in the coming days. Alyssa’s last gift to us!

We’re about four episodes into this season, and I must say I’m finding it to be … just fine. I’m, of course, excited to see more from this cast and to watch some sleeper players (perhaps Bosco or Lady Camden) come into their own, but I’m going to need a little more to feel invested in this season’s overall arc. I’m craving some narrative gold, but so far? It’s just chocolate.

Until next week!

A weekly segment where I briefly discuss stray thoughts that won’t leave my head.

• Kornbread versus Jasmine Kennedie: I hope that this feud is over, because it felt more “uncomfortable to watch” than “juicy.” Their truce seems uneasy, but praying this fight was a one-episode special.

• Guest judge Loni Love: Loni Love has yet to disappoint. Emmy! Permanent judge spot! Spinoff show where she just roasts Utica! I want more!!

• “Guest judge” J.Lo: This was everything I wanted. Prerecorded generic message, contractual promo for “Marry Me” (in theaters February 11), and a ham-fisted reference to “Let’s Get Loud”? Not one note. Perfect appearance.