The Mass Puke Scene in Home Team Made Me Regret Ever Waking Up

Life comes at you fast. One minute, I was watching Home Team—Netflix’s sportsmovieifcation of Sean Payton’s bountygate suspension, which saw him briefly coach his kid’s football team—saying to myself, Am I thinking that Kevin James actually pulls off a convincing NFL coach? The next? I’m watching a child use his own projectile vomit as a move to get past three defenders.

Happy Friday. I’ve brought you here today to deliver a mere warning. If anyone in your household and/or general vicinity chooses to watch Home Team this weekend, I recommend that you walk away around the 65-minute mark. Excuse the following description, which I did not pull from a Happy Madison script generator, but might as well have. Rob Schneider’s character gives the team a batch of what he claims are the best protein bars ever: Super Logs. You might think the obvious poop joke would indicate that the team is about to shit themselves, but no! They vomit.

Right before a game-deciding play, the kid who, just minutes ago, was rambling about stuffed crust pizza, doubles over and lets it flow. Payton’s assistant coach, played by Taylor Lautner, suggests that they don’t force a bunch of sixth graders to play. Payton says no, which is something I believe he’d do in real life. So, we’re treated to a montage of nearly every member of the squad spewing an oddly neon-looking vomit, including a disturbing shot that zooms out on the field, just so we can see how many children are simultaneously throwing up. The final act of this great puking ends when Gary Valentine barfs on Taylor Lautner, then Taylor Lautner returns the favor.

Netflix

You know what? I feel duped. Home Team had an endearing, Sandlerian vibe to it, until it caved in to full-on gross-out comedy. Or something. But even after rewatching the scene five times to write this damn thing, you know what might just upset me the most? When the kids hurl, the subtitles go blank. The closest we get is [retching] and [stomach gurgling]. If you’re going to show me two minutes of consecutive vomiting, at least have the guts to caption it. Or at least give a raise to the audio description narrator, who had to utter the phrase, “he sprays them with projectile vomit.”

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