The Truth About Children’s Resilience

The most important ingredient in building and fostering a child’s resilience, Gurwitch says, is a secure, trusting relationship with an adult who can listen, nurture, and model healthy ways of dealing with things. 

Those adults don’t have to be the child’s parent. They might be another relative or a teacher, coach, faith leader, neighbor, or someone else in their life. They can help guide kids toward healthy ways of managing stress like taking a walk, talking about their feelings, drawing a picture, or playing with a pet.

Caregivers can also empower children by suggesting and modeling ways to take action. That could mean chalking rainbows on the sidewalk, inviting a new student to join a game, or volunteering at a food pantry or for another cause they care about. This is “finding ways to make meaning of what’s happening,” Gurwitch says.

Hardship Hits Kids Unequally

Tough things happen to everyone. But some kids face a heightened level of hardship because of their race, economic situation, gender identity, or nationality.

“Not every kid is going through structural racism, the biases, that pain and harm,” says Iheoma U. Iruka, PhD, founder of the Equity Research Action Coalition at the Frank Porter Graham Child Development Institute at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

These biases can also make us overlook the everyday resilience of children who have been through more than their share of trauma.

“Every child has strengths,” Iruka says. For instance, she points out that a child who may not be on track with reading “may be flexible, kind to friends, critical thinkers, and problem-solvers. We may not understand how resilient they are.”

Iruka’s advice to help bolster children’s resilience: “First and foremost, love your children,” she says. Talk with them, read stories together, include them in a variety of social settings and people, and give them space to explore.

How adults behave matters, too — perhaps more than their words. Ask yourself, “When I get upset, do I rant and rave, or do I take a deep breath and find a way to calm down?” Gurwitch says. “If kids see us cry, it’s really important that they see us dry our tears and move forward.”

Resilience isn’t something that you develop on your own. People are social. We’re affected by the people and systems around us. When a child has a caregiver who themselves feels cared for, they can offer kids their best, most nurturing selves.

“We need to create resilient families and resilient communities,” Iruka says. “Children can’t be resilient on their own.”