Despite the fact that the intolerance of mother-in-law and son-in-law is the same as that of daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, it is possible to have a good relationship with your daughter’s partner. One of the ways for her mother to start a good relationship with her daughter’s chosen one is not to put herself in a situation to ask him or demand some of these things from him because they can permanently disrupt family relationships.
Here is what the mother-in-law should not say to her son-in-law, believes psychologist and family therapist dr. Danijel Forši
1. “When are you going to give me a grandson?”
Of course, it is understandable that she would like to have a grandchild (or four of them). But it’s important to understand that this may not be something your daughter and son-in-law want – right now, or maybe ever. “Moreover, it is important to take into account that some people may have problems with the natural conception of children,” warns Dr. Forshi. Projecting one’s own ideals onto others or making assumptions about such personal choices can have the unwanted side effects of interpreting as intrusive and violating personal boundaries. So, dear mother-in-law, don’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.
What to say instead: Unless they raise such a topic themselves, it’s best to avoid it completely. such conversations. But if he really has to say something, it’s best to approach it with non-judgment or curiosity and ask, “What do you think life brings to you in the next five years?”
2. “My daughter loves it like this…”
This type of statement indicates that the son-in-law is not as knowledgeable about his wife’s preferences as her mother. She may say something like this because of the closeness and habit in the mother-daughter relationship, but this statement poses a risk of creating a perception of the difference in power between the son-in-law and mother-in-law relationship. By proving that she knows her child best, she could go wrong and create disagreements.
) What to say instead: Here is another case in which a conversation from the point of view of curiosity is a better option, and adding what he knows does not sound rude. Here is an example: “I had no idea that my daughter liked black coffee. As far as I remember, she always added milk! ”
3. “When will you get a better job / buy a bigger house / a new car?”
This statement is critical, conveys dissatisfaction and contempt, and is a personal value judgment – anyone who heard it would feel the sting. So, yes, it is basically a guaranteed way of creating a distance between mother-in-law and son-in-law. We all have a desire to be accepted by those closest to us, including the need to feel good enough. While she may want her son-in-law’s accomplishments to improve, it’s not that easy because perhaps his values, choices, and preferences may differ from hers. Or, perhaps financial opportunities do not currently allow the purchase of a new house / car. This actually means that the son-in-law is very responsible and does not want to put the family in a financially awkward position through reckless activities.
What to say instead: Again, the best way to act here is to really say nothing. (So what if their house is small?) But if they really have to, then it is best to approach it with curiosity to better understand the situation, feelings and opinions of the son-in-law. It is better to say something like. “It is certainly frustrating that your car requires such frequent servicing. What do you think about all that? ”Or here is another example:“ It seems that the size of the house does not allow everything that you and my daughter want to have in it. Do you have any other idea? ”Regarding the situation at work, it is better to ask the son-in-law how he feels at his current job and maybe through the conversation he will touch on promotions, other positions or similar, writes Muss7.
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