What (are) children obliged to return to elderly parents when they grow up?

Many people are afraid to say “no” to their parents and are willing to sacrifice their own interests and dreams just to not hear their reprimands

Life has changed, and well-known family structures have changed. That is why lately the philosophical literature has been vigorously discussing a new, very real question: Can adult children neglect their moral obligation to their parents?

This question has arisen because many people are afraid to say “no” to their parents and are willing to sacrifice their own interests and dreams just so they don’t hear their rebukes. For this reason, there are many people who do not live the life they want and who become hostages of feelings of guilt and “debt” that are actually impossible to repay.

That is why it is important help adult children understand where this thin line is between gratitude and voluntary self-sacrifice.

1. I wouldn’t exist without you, but my birth was your choice

(My favorite phrase of a parent-manipulator is this: I carried you for 9 months, I didn’t sleep at night and I never left your crib – where is your gratitude now? But those are pretty natural things that every woman who has decided to become a mother does, right?

A child doesn’t even think that he may have to return everything that care and warmth he gets now, writes Bright Side And when they are asked to repay the debt, the love for their parents will gradually begin to fade and there will be a mutual reproach that will later grow into disappointment in each other.

Such requirements for adult children appear when the birth of a child should have become a guarantee of certain expectations placed on that child. In families they love, caring is a natural thing and parents take care of the new member as something natural, so in the future there will be no need to ask for the child’s gratitude.

2. I gave you so much, I’m sorry you don’t notice it

(From the first minutes of his life, a child gives his parents everything he has: a look, hugs, first words, handicrafts, etc. But parents must have the strength and desire to notice everything that their child does for them. If the little things go unnoticed and if the adults are sure that they only need to fulfill the basic needs of their child, it is not surprising that the child will not feel a strong connection with his family in the future. Needless to say, the desire to care for older parents may not arise at all. At best, an adult child could still meet the basic needs of his parents by buying products, medicines and paying for utilities, while at the same time trying to appear in his home as rarely as possible.

3. Parents don’t always become your closest people

Parents undoubtedly play an important role in every person’s life, but that doesn’t mean they are the only people in the world their child can rely on. Unfortunately, the opposite situation could happen – for example, when children and parents have a misunderstanding, children feel a lack of support or their parents ignore their problems. In addition, criticism from parents can do even more harm than criticism from strangers, which makes the situation even worse.

Despite some people’s attempts to respect their parents regardless after all, the situation should be soberly assessed – if you face neglect, humiliation and do not want to share your worries with your parents, then it is not a connection between loved ones. Don’t live in illusion: if you haven’t been supported since childhood, chances are high that you won’t get support in adulthood either. In this case, that person has every right to refuse to support his parents because he has never seen that support from them.

Conversely, if the parent is unconditional gave all his love to the child, when the child grows up, he will not feel the need to return something, and expressing care on the part of the child will become a natural expression of all those feelings that they have accumulated over the years. There is a theory of friendship that says that children should give their parents the same things as their friends, because friendships are maintained voluntarily. If the parent and the child do not share their feelings, then there should be no obligations towards the parents.

4. I will not become the person you want me to be

(Parents) Parents may have some ideas about your future, but they should never interfere with the realization of your ideas. Being an adult means choosing your own path, and it can be similar to your parents ’life experience or completely different. A child knows what he wants from an early age, but if parents continue to make decisions for them, they will grow into an adult who will be afraid of making mistakes and who will always be dependent on circumstances and transfer responsibility for his life to other people.

If you decide to give up your own decisions just to meet your parents’ expectations, it means pretending to be someone else – someone you really aren’t. Sacrificing your dreams for family expectations is the best way to generate dissatisfaction, anger and pain and live with those feelings for the rest of your life. Healthy family relationships let us be our own. If your situation is different, it is high time to talk about it and set boundaries.

5. I will not give you my time

Often there is a desire for parents to spend every second with their child because parents do not have their own goals and interests in life. And sometimes when a child grows up, it results in parents demanding the same attention to themselves as the child did in their childhood.

However, if we are talking about a normal situation, children grow up and start their lives, while parents stay with each other and their personal achievements throughout the child’s growth. Parents who have not fulfilled their lives, and their adult children want freedom, claim that they are now the “glue” without which everything in the family will fall apart.

The child will only decide what kind of help he is ready to provide and there is no sense in asking him anymore. No matter how many children and grandchildren a person has, they should, above all, be able to take care of themselves.

6. I can’t give you back your time

, and it seems that due to the appearance of the child, he lost all his potential and failed to achieve his goals. The child cannot return the time that the parent did not dare to spend on himself.

Of course, in the first few years of a child’s life, almost all of their parents’ time is dedicated. them, but the way parents manage their time in the future depends only on them. If for some reason the role of a parent did not bring them any satisfaction, the parent could start looking for the one who is guilty and who “stole the best years of their lives”. This results in a request for the child to make up for all the things their parents lost.

(According to a study by American sociologists, there is a big difference between the levels of financial support that parents expect to receive and assistance that children plan to provide: 92% of parents surveyed said they do not expect any financial support from their retired children, only 1% expect full support, 2% expect their children to bear most of the costs, and 5% said

Despite the fact that most parents do not expect any support, 63% of children said they plan to help their parents financially. retirement. As many as 61 percent are ready to let their parents live with them when they stop working.

The best thing parents can do for their children is to give them freedom and an opportunity to live your life. If you allow your child to learn from their mistakes, if you respect your child’s choices and wishes, if you support, help and do not impose your opinion, these children will grow into people with a natural sense of gratitude and responsibility. If parents spend time on themselves at the same time, they will never feel like they are living a “lost life.”

Keep in mind that a child copies his parents’ behavior – just when you need help, look at your own reflection in the mirror and look at what kind of person you used to be.

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