How to Talk Dirty During Sex Without Feeling Cringey

The same goes for using particular names; some folks might get off from being called a whore or bitch or brat, whereas for others any of these words can be triggering, Engle says. So if you’re thinking of denigrating a partner or if you don’t want to be labeled a disparaging term yourself, it’s best to communicate that in advance so everyone’s boundaries are clear.

You’ll also want to share any sexual fantasies that you might reference (more on that below!), so your partner has context for why you’re telling them, for example, that you’re picturing all your friends watching you hook up, Engle says. (John Eros, a UK-based audio erotica star for Sssh.com, tells SELF his most-listened-to stories involve exhibitionism or being watched—a fantasy that’s easy to act out with just words.)

4. Try sexting before speaking.

Your texts can be a fantastic testing ground for IRL dirty talk: You get the benefit of time to think through what you’re going to say and how to respond, Engle says. It’s also much lower stakes—you can try out something a little more adventurous, and if it doesn’t quite work the biggest risk is that you get left on read, Boodram says, versus potentially ruining a moment if you’d said it aloud in bed. In this way, sexting is also just a good method for figuring out what you like to hear or say. You might not actually know what will resonate—or not—until you experience it in context, and it’s better to test those limits over text than while having sex, she says.

Firing off texts whenever and wherever also makes it easy to build your dirty repertoire with a partner. Once you have this current of “taboo eroticism” baked into your everyday chitchat, Dr. Tara says, it’ll only feel natural to get a little filthy in bed too.

5. Make more sounds during sex.

Going from silence to seducing a partner can be a big leap; as a stepping stone just try getting a bit vocal, Engle says. That can sound like moaning, sighing, or just saying, “That feels so good.” To be clear, she adds, you don’t have to restrict yourself to whenever you actually feel the desire to make a sound: “It’s okay to ham it up a little bit.”

After all, the words are often less important than the energy you’re giving off. “Enthusiasm is the name of the game,” Engle says. “When your partner feels like you’re happy to be there, it’s good sex.” And making some noise is one way to get that across.

How to figure out what dirty phrases to say

1. Start with some compliments.

As the name implies, dirty talk can be derogatory or even politically incorrect—but it certainly doesn’t have to be, Dr. Tara says. Anything said with the express purpose of turning a partner on can count, even sexual praise.

Raving about their body or talent in bed may feel like an easy way in because, well, most people love compliments, Dr. Tara says. For instance, if you’re giving someone oral sex, saying something like, “You taste so good” can absolutely drive them wild. The same goes for sharing how much you enjoy having sex with them—for example, “I love it when you’re rough with me,” or “I get really turned on when you grip my thighs,” or “I find it so hot to think about you doing [insert action here] to me,” Boodram says.

2. Tease them with questions.

Often, the sexiest dirty talk is a dialogue, and questions directly facilitate that. In fact, soliciting feedback is a great way to get into a lively flow. Easy starter options include, “Do you like that?”, “Does this feel good?”, and “What does that feel like?” Eventually, you might graduate to something like, “How does my [insert body part here] feel?” Dr. Tara says.