Is it possible to have both pride and humility?

A Vox reader asks: What is humility? How can I become more aware of being humble, and why is pride always prevalent in us humans over humility?

The concept of humility can be elusive in a culture that places a premium on (and even requires) constant self-aggrandizement. One who is truly humble might possess a graciousness despite their accomplishments, an openness to other ways of being and thinking. Encountering a humble person feels rare these days.

Political figures are rewarded for their hardheadedness and self-righteousness. In the workplace, those who tout their achievements are more likely to be considered for promotions. Arguments erupt — and drag on for days — on social media when people dig in their heels and fail to acknowledge others’ experiences. When admitting fault can feel so threatening to one’s sense of self, some people have a hard time seeing themselves as fallible at all. Lately, it appears as if the person who screams the loudest and holds true to their convictions at all costs ultimately wins.

Humility is still worth striving for, says Daryl Van Tongeren, a professor of psychology at Hope College and author of Humble: Free Yourself from the Traps of a Narcissistic World, but in the right amount. Too little humility and you become arrogant and unwilling to conceive of other points of view. Too much humility and you relinquish your power, status, and worth. The tricky part is finding the middle ground.

Van Tongeren defines humility as the “ability to know ourselves, check ourselves, and go beyond ourselves.” Humility requires self-awareness about your strengths and weaknesses and the power to reel in selfish impulses and the desire to be right. A humble person can identify when they’re wrong and accept blame without getting too defensive. They can also recognize others’ needs beyond their own.

Pride isn’t necessarily the inverse of humility. If you view pride as being vain or conceited, then yes, a person with those qualities likely lacks humility. But to be proud of your accomplishments and know your self-worth is more in line with humility than conceit. “Extremely humble people already know that they’re worthwhile,” Van Tongeren says. “They’re valued, they’re loved, they’re enough.”

Those who are secure in their self-worth often don’t seek the approval of others and may not be as defensive when given negative feedback. That comes across in nearly all aspects of their lives. “When we engage the world like that, our relationships get much better, our partners are much more likely to forgive us, they’re more committed to us,” Van Tongeren says. “We’re better citizens. We’re less likely to get defensive or aggressive when we interact with people who don’t share our ideological viewpoints, and we’re much more tolerant to people who don’t share our particular perspective on something.”

It’s fairly difficult to gauge your own humility because people tend to think they’re more skilled, attractive, funny, and, yes, humble than the average person. The desire to see yourself in a positive light overwhelms any objectivity you might have into your own humility, Van Tongeren says: “This overly glowing representation of myself makes pride a natural default.”

To get around these biases, Van Tongeren suggests getting a trusted person’s opinion — “On a scale of one to 10, how humble am I?” — and to try not to get defensive if you get an answer you don’t like.

Van Tongeren posed this same question to his wife after he spent a morning on his own pursuits, delaying their departure to the beach by over an hour. She gave him a four on the humility scale. “I’ve been researching this for a decade. I think about humility all the time,” he says, “and it’s still really hard for me. I still find myself falling into traps in which my selfishness takes over.”

Once you have a somewhat objective starting point, one way to work on humility is to cultivate empathy, Van Tongeren says. That is, to sympathize with the feelings of another, even when you disagree with them, and to put yourself in their shoes to consider their perspective. Van Tongeren acknowledges this can be especially difficult in today’s social, cultural, and political climate when people tend to have ideologically rigid points of view. Still, try to give others the benefit of the doubt and try to acknowledge that they might be trying to be a good person, too.

A few ways to foster empathy and humility include diversifying your news sources and actively seeking out perspectives that differ from your own. Make an effort to interact with more people who hold these alternative views and attempt to understand their motivations or why they would hold these beliefs. “Try to understand,” Van Tongeren says, “what is it like to be them?”

To maximize humility within your relationships, Van Tongeren suggests pausing and thinking about what would be best for the other person. Take time to truly listen to a friend or colleague, as listening increases humility. “It helps you realize that it’s not all about you,” he says. You might also consider a time when you weren’t humble — like Van Tongeren’s thwarted beach plans — and how the situation went awry. Now you know what to avoid in similar scenarios.

Alternatively, if you’re in a relationship with an arrogant, self-centered person, humility might not be the virtue you need, Van Tongeren says. “They might take advantage of the fact that you’re regularly humble and [are] treating you poorly,” he says. “In some situations, maybe courage is a better virtue, or justice might be the virtue that needs to be prioritized” to either stand up to the person or walk away.

Cultivating humility is an internal process, not one you can wish onto another person. So often, people who have historically been marginalized have been told to stay humble when they speak out against wrongdoing or seek a seat at the table. Women in particular are expected to be humble, and are considered arrogant when they share their accomplishments. In that way, humility becomes a weapon. It’s not up to you to decide who most needs to be humbled, but instead to act with humility and hope others follow in kind.