The Best Dumb Stuff to Buy With Your Tax Refund Money

Man, I love getting free money. There’s nothing I look forward to more each year than when that beautiful IRS-stamped envelope arrives in my mailbox, and I can feel, even if just for five minutes, like a goddamn Jeff Bezos (albeit one who lives in a Chicago three-flat apartment with a broken dishw

asher and downstairs neighbors who definitely smoke cigarettes inside). That’s right—I’m talkin’ about tax refund season, baby! 

And before you go thinking that I’m a dumbass because I said the money is free and not [Googles “what is a tax refund”] what happens when you pay more than you owe or qualify for a refundable credit, let’s just slow down for a minute. We’re all in the same boat here: The companies we work for steal our time through the act of wage labor, generating surplus value for their own purposes; meanwhile, the government forces us to write them a check for services nobody really understands or agrees with… and then Uncle Sam distracts us from all of it by sending us a few bucks and saying, “Sorry, we ‘accidentally’ stole too much, so go buy a new TV!” (Crazy that they seem to prefer this to, I don’t know, just taking the right amount of money in the first place?) In any case, as far as I’m concerned, this process is cause enough for revolution absolutely awesome. We built this country, so let’s just make the most of it by wasting our tax refund money and getting back into the red as quickly as humanly possible. 

On that note, here are some of the awesomest, silliest, dumbest things you could possibly do with your tax refund money. 

Yes, yo cheese machine

Inviting me over to watch the Big Game (aka literally any baseball game)? Don’t even bother if you don’t have a real nacho cheese dispenser fired up with that yellow sludge we all love. Don’t forget the jalapeños—you can afford ‘em now, so there’s no excuse. And you’d better serve it all in a stadium-style plastic nacho tray, or I won’t be coming back for the All-Star Game.

Become the king of beats you already think you are

Just getting into making beats? Trying to save your failing SoundCloud career with one last ditch effort for a Billboard hit before you decide to accept that manager job (and your fate) at Arby’s? Well, why not get a Roland TR-08, Roland’s Boutique Series update of the TR-808, which is probably the most famous drum machine ever made? If you know in your heart that your songs are as good as those by 808 greats like Run-DMC, Public Enemy, Kanye West, Outkast, New Order, and Beyoncé, it’s time to prove it.

Chill out like you’re rich (which you were, before you bought this)

Want to watch Real Housewives (or The Sopranos again) in style, instead of on your current couch, which absolutely annihilates your back when you binge for more than an hour? Now that you’ve finally got some money (that you already earned a year ago), get an Eames chair replica.

Soothe your ADHD

This ferrite putty is actually extremely fun to play with—it’s basically Silly Putty but made of magnets. I play with this every time I’m on a video call (or in therapy or when my fiancée is telling me something important, or….)

You don’t have to travel for great food anymore

Sure, you’re in the 1% now, but that doesn’t mean you need to blow all your hard-earned cash traveling around the U.S. to sample its finest cuisine. Hot tip: If you want to travel somewhere to dine, just order the food on Goldbelly and eat it on your couch while watching Criminal Minds. Dying to get to Nashville to finally try chef Sean Brock’s JoyBurger? Or sweating at the mere thought of visiting Arizona just to eat Chris Bianco’s famous wood-fired pizza? Want to have Guy Fieri’s nachos in your house? Smash that “order” button, bro!

Star in your own Hot Ones episode

Sure, you do have to be rich and famous to get featured in a Hot Ones episode, but if you want to enjoy the experience of tasting 10 mouth-numbing hot sauces and then having an existential episode, just shell out for a real, authentic Hot Ones sauce lineup. Get this pack of sauces from season 22 and join the ranks of Doja Cat, Bobby Flay, Cardi B, and *NSYNC in blowing your taste buds out (deliciously).

Nurture your cultured side

Nothing says luxury like a big, ol’ Blu-ray box set that you don’t need. Now that you’re retired, spend your time going through The Criterion Collection’s, uh, collection of early Jackie Chan films; or buy their Ingmar Bergman box set that includes 39 of his films (even though you’ll only watch Persona and the wrong version of Fanny and Alexander). If you’re a Twin Peaks fan, finally peep the show the way David Lynch intended: in high quality and not on a compressed, laggy streaming service!

Time for a massage chair

If you’re like me, you’ve always told yourself (and your partner) that you were absolutely, 100% going to buy a massage chair when you had the space. But now, you’re wealthy beyond your wildest dreams and anything is possible… so cop that bad boy right now. 

Rock out with your… wallet empty

Fashion yourself a troubadour? No better time to upgrade your rig for playing Incubus and Smashing Pumpkins covers than when you have some disposable income. Thus, the beautiful, new, top-of-the-line Taylor acoustic guitar you’ve always dreamed of is finally on the table.

You’re the grillmaster, now

Love pancakes? Time to do some Johnny Cakes cosplay and become a sexy grill man at your own diner (i.e. your kitchen) by copping a pancake batter dispenser. 

Get fancy with your wine

Nothing says “I had an extra $40” like a real porron, aka a Spanish wine pitcher with a small spout that lets you pour wine into your mouth from above without spilling. This is how rich people party.

A Margaritaville-branded frozen concoction maker, obviously

Jimmy Buffet might be gone (RIP), but keep his dream alive with a real, branded Margaritaville “frozen concoction maker.” Because, like, why wouldn’t you want to make killer frozen margaritas concoctions at your leisure?

Chill out

It might sound counterintuitive because of how goddamn expensive it is to heat an apartment these days, but rich people absolutely love being cold. Like, they make themselves cold on purpose, because it’s apparently good for your body and circulatory system. Honor your newfound social status by investing in an insulated cold barrel for ice therapy.

Send me a postcard from Margaritaville, please!

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.