Sexplain It: I Only Want Casual Sex But Can’t Help Leading Women On

I’m Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto. Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I’ve learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and many other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn’t just “communicate with your partner” because you know that already. Ask me anything—literally, anything—and I will gladly Sexplain It.

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Dear Sexplain It,

I am a 19-year-old man in college, and I’ve made a lot of bad decisions regarding sex. At first, I enjoyed fucking so many girls, and it was awesome, but I kept having the same problem where I would manipulate and lead on these friends with benefits. (It was horrible. I deeply regret all the issues I’ve caused.) Then, I would get terrified and end things with them in an awful way.

I have tried to stay abstinent and learn more about myself until I could figure out why I always seem to lead girls on and then lose interest, but it’s tough being abstinent in college. A part of me wants to flirt with every woman I come across.

My issue now is that I’ve lost all interest in sex with women, and I think it might mean I like men, but I am also terrified of finding out if I do through experimentation. I’d love some advice on how I can stop causing others and myself so much unnecessary pain and get back to enjoying sex.

— Male Manipulator

Dear Male Manipulator,

You seem very self-aware of your negative patterns of behavior (and the impact it has on others), which puts you ahead of most 19-year-old fuckboys. You also feel an appropriate amount of guilt and remorse. The answer, though, isn’t abstinence. The answer is looking inward to determine why you’re engaging in these manipulative behaviors—in other words, getting to the root of your issues—and then, of course, changing your behavior.

The why can be a little bit more challenging to unpack. From the sound of it, you have an avoidant attachment style. Though you crave intimacy, you fear vulnerability. Subsequently, you shut down the possibility of having any meaningful, long-term relationship with a woman. You enjoy the attention, the sex, and someone loving you without loving them in return because it’s safe. You do not risk getting hurt or burned emotionally.

Male Manipulator, you’re going to have to learn to be vulnerable. You need to learn how to navigate all the complex feelings that arise when you open yourself emotionally to someone—fear, anger, jealousy, and sadness. Currently, you’re avoiding these feelings by remaining closed off to potential romantic partners.

This is not something you’ll be able to fix overnight, and it is something you should unpack with a therapist. Often, attachment style is rooted in the dynamic we had with our parents growing up. A good therapist will help you unpack that dynamic so it doesn’t dictate your current behaviors.

While you work on yourself, you can still have sex and date; you just need to be open about where you are in your journey. Obviously, don’t be manipulative. Don’t tell them you’re looking for something more serious when you’re not. In fact, do the opposite. Be very clear that you’re only looking for something casual before you first sleep with them. You can say, “Hey! I just want to make sure we’re on the same page before we have sex, but I’m not looking for anything serious at the moment. If you are, I don’t think it’s a great idea we have sex.”

If you see yourself actually liking someone, take things slowly. Tell them, “I tend to get very excited when I like someone and then do a quick one-eighty when things get serious. I don’t want to do that with you, so I’d like to take things slowly.”

As for you being gay or bi? Potentially, but I’m not sold. You’re assuming you’re gay/bi because you currently don’t want to sleep with women. That’s different than actively being attracted to men (which you don’t seem to be). You also have enjoyed having sex with women in the past.

I think your current desire not to have sex with women is coming from a place of guilt and worry. You feel guilty for your past behavior, and for hurting women you cared about by leading them on and then abruptly breaking things off with them. You’re also worried that you’re going to repeat that behavior, so you’re avoiding sex entirely.

But your behaviors are in your control! Just be upfront and honest with women. Don’t pretend to be more interested than you are. You clearly know what’s right from wrong. So now it’s time to be an adult, be honest, and start treating women with respect.