‘Dear Lala, I think my fiancé of eight years is taking me for a fool…’

In Lalalaletmeexplain’s hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.

Here, she offers advice to a woman who is worried she’s being taken for a fool…Sign up below – for free! – to read what she has to say.

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Dear Lala,

I’ve been with my fiancé for nearly eight years. We got together when I was eighteen and he was twenty-one. Moved 100 miles away from my family and friends at 18 to be with him. Found out he had cheated on me multiple times and was talking to other girls.

Had it out with him and he did change so I stayed, given the sacrifices I’d made I felt I should. We got engaged four years ago but I soon found out I was pregnant so never got married. Our son is now two and he still won’t discuss a wedding.

He broke up with me when I was seven months pregnant because I was so miserable and difficult. I begged to try again for the sake of our unborn son. We stayed together and got a new house, and everything was great until Euros 2021. I wasn’t allowed out with him it was ‘lads only’ (never the case before). I’d had a very rare babysitter for one game and spent it on my own and he didn’t come home until 8am the next day.

He then told me he was in a bad mental headspace and wanted to move out until he knew what was wrong with him. He left to live at his mum’s for a week and then asked to come back and I let him because I love him, and I was so hurt.

Everything is fine again now but I can’t get rid of the feeling that I am being taken for a fool and allowing him to do this to me every so often. I feel I’m in too deep now to say move out again because we just worked so hard, got back on track, and everything is perfect, but there’s always this niggling voice in the back of my head telling me I need to cut my losses.

I’ve spoken to family and friends but feel responses are always biased.

Lala says…

This is a sad and difficult situation. The problem seems to be that you are in a relationship with a man you do not fully trust. You obviously trusted him at the beginning, you moved your life to be with him. But he broke that trust quickly and brutally by cheating with multiple women.

You did what was best for you at the time – but for the benefit of other readers, that was the time to run, given the sacrifices she’d made, he owed her more.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing though, and I understand why you carried on, but he then broke your trust again by leaving when you were pregnant. Pregnancy is such a vulnerable time; you needed to feel loved and supported by your partner more than ever.

Our partners should accept that our moods may change a lot. Of course, pregnancy doesn’t give you a right to be abusive. But consideration should be given to the fact that perinatal mental health is fragile and requires care not abandonment.

The grief and pain of being cheated on coupled with the pain of being left when pregnant is a lot to heal from. I want to know what he did to help repair those situations?

Couple’s therapy really is essential in getting through something like this. And so is patience, commitment, understanding, compassion and communication – on both sides. It takes work. It takes a lot more than a big argument followed by an apology and a promise not to do something again.

It sounds like it’s all been brushed under the carpet and you’ve carried on with a brave face but an underlying fear that he’s going to hurt you again. The fact that he won’t discuss arranging your wedding is clearly a part of that. It adds to your fears about his lack of commitment to the relationship and to your sense of insecurity.

Though I think he’s doing you a favour. At this point your feelings about him, and about the relationship, are not at marriage levels. Don’t marry someone while there is a niggling voice telling you something is off. That voice is your intuition coupled with your valid concern about him repeating past behaviours.

I have to say, the Euro 2021 event sounds pretty suspect and is another trust destroyer on top of the other two. He goes out to watch the football, refuses to let you come, stays out for the night unexpectedly and then all of a sudden has a mental breakdown and has to stay at his Mum’s for a week?

Maybe that did happen. But there’s also a possibility that he went on a bender and ended up sleeping with someone else (maybe paid for it) and felt mad paranoid for a week because he had love bites on his chest and couldn’t let you see them (this is just an example, I’m not saying this guy did that, I’m just highlighting a scenario that could explain this kind of very unusual behaviour). Maybe shame drove him away, not bad mental health?

I think you know that you don’t have the full facts about what happened and without them it will be difficult to move on. Esther Perel, the greatest relationship expert in existence, always emphasises the importance of getting it all out. If a partner has cheated and you are working on saving the relationship, she says there can’t be any hidden skeletons in the closet.

You must have those ugly conversations, ask those sickening questions that are killing you like ‘Did you go down on her?’ It has to all be OUT. Nothing left to discuss, wiping the slate clean. Raw honesty is the starting block for rebuilding trust.

I don’t know you’ve ever properly done that. You say you’ve both worked hard to make it work but what has that involved? If therapy or some form of professional help hasn’t been part of that then I’m not surprised that nothing has really changed. I feel like you’ve just forgiven his misdemeanours because you’re so far from home and you can’t face the emotional labour involved in having to change your whole life again. It’s a lot to think about, especially as a mother. I’d be interested in what your family are saying.

Who are they biased towards? If it’s you and they are suggesting that you end the relationship, then I would take note. Friends and family usually have your best interests at heart. If they are suggesting that you stay for the sake of your child, despite the fact that you’re unhappy, then don’t take note. It’s an old school well-intentioned but misinformed view. Children do best when their parents are happy, staying together in an unhappy relationship does not benefit children at all.

Communication is key. Sitting down to let him know that you are experiencing these doubts and to see how you can overcome them as a couple would be a healthy thing to do. Try to avoid being confrontational though, it’s not about raising what he has done in the past to hold it against him, it’s about helping him to understand why you’ve struggled to move on from those things.

I would hope that he would be receptive to your needs and willing to engage with couple’s therapy and to work with you to rebuild trust.

If he is resistant/defensive/doesn’t see why things need to change/takes no responsibility/blames you then that really tells you everything you need to know. You’ll never shake that feeling unless you work on forgiving and trusting, you can never do that unless he’s also willing to do the work.

Do your best to improve things as a couple, but if you never end up shaking off that feeling, then you really need to consider your next steps. He has hurt you so many times. You can never guarantee that he won’t hurt you again, but if you are choosing to stay then that has to be on the basis that you trust him, because you can’t have a healthy relationship without trust.

If you can’t regain it after working hard together then you will need to decide what’s best for you, just do not marry him until you’re absolutely certain.

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